Survival of the Fittest?! - Madhura Ashokkumar

“I can’t believe I made it this far.”

I’ve heard this line more times than I can count — spoken softly, in wonder, by clients. Sometimes it's said with pride, other times in disbelief, but always with a trace of lingering exhaustion. It makes me pause. If so many of us are surprised at our own survival, what does that say about the world we’ve been trying to survive in?

Many of us are raised in environments that non-verbally or explicitly scream we aren’t enough, that we couldn’t achieve, that we weren’t lovable unless we proved something extraordinary. These aren’t always loud declarations; sometimes, they show up in the subtlest gestures, in the absence of encouragement, in conditional affection. I recall seeing a post on instagram that read “What if Kafka was in therapy?”. It said “Kafka's father, Hermann, loomed like a shadow over his psyche. He was domineering, impatient, and emotionally distant. Kafka internalized this rejection deeply. The famous Letter to His Father is less a rebuke than a desperate plea:

"Please, understand what you did to me."

But why was his father so critical of him? If all of us are hearing similar critical narratives, then it’s not limited to our parents but something culturally and systemically is also happening, left unaddressed and not challenged enough? What is that?

Hearing "you are not enough" can trigger a survival state in us, characterized by intense emotional and physiological responses. This phrase can be interpreted as a threat to our self-worth and can activate the fight-or-flight response, making us feel really anxious and stressed. Negative self-talk served an important evolutionary purpose. It comes from the default mode network, a brain circuit that helped people survive by aligning their interests with clan norms. Follow the standards of the group and you stay safe; step outside the lines and you risk ostracism. This is why the default mode is self-directed and critical—it's trying to keep you alive.

But our nervous system was never designed to tolerate that level of criticalness. It thrives on compassion, safety, and security. So Why do we feel so on edge even if we have made it through? Our nervous system is still stuck in that state of heightened anxiety and compares minor inconveniences to crises. That way we remain in survival, failing to recognise how much we have accomplished, achieved. It becomes imperative to regulate and soothe our nervous systems. Kafka could never get to see himself the way we celebrate him. He was convinced “I am not enough”. There is existential dread in everything he wrote.

Early in my career, I believed a meaningful life was defined by measurable success: a thriving career, flawless relationships, a collection of degrees and accolades. I thought if I achieved enough, I could finally feel enough. That was the contract I signed with myself.

But over time through personal work, deep reflection, and reading that belief softened and unraveled. I began to understand that we don’t earn our worth. We don’t arrive at enough-ness through productivity. We begin there. We start as whole, worthy human beings and not projects waiting to be fixed.

So now I wonder:

What if our lives were built on the belief that we are already enough?

What choices would we make?

How would we rest, relate, love, and work if we weren’t trying to prove anything?

While penning this article, I was reminded of a poem that my earlier therapist shared with me. I am sharing that with you all, hoping it sets some comfort in you.

"Butterfly” from The Touch of 10,000 Words

Sometimes we bend ourselves so out of shape

That we look in the mirror and we aren’t clear on who we see before us

We place ourselves in a cocoon

And close ourselves off from our authenticity

Because there is a shallow comfort in safety

But it all starts to feel too tight and restricting

Your soul awakens, and all you want to do is fly

Then something just clicks

We spend so much time dressing ourselves in other people and their preferences

That we forget that we have our own unique taste of clothing

Our own sense of self

A fearless and undeniable sense of self that embodies every amazing thing

The yin/yang and our whole being in its entirety

Why have we hidden all our innate beauty?

To feel safe, loved, accepted

Or to stay under the radar

Afraid and anxious of what people may see when the mask falls off

But you only need to accept and love yourself

There is beauty both inside and outside of the cocoon that pushed you to grow

Through darkness and dysfunction, depth and despair

A vivid light splits through and steals you away

When you get comfortable with your own messy and beautiful self

Nothing and no-one can block you

You finally see your truth

You fall in line with the beat of your own vibration

You come out of your cocoon

A gorgeous butterfly.